I’m going into one of the most important appointments of my life as I am facing a massive and life-changing surgery. I hate being in a cycle of continuing to reinvent and rediscover myself, but I feel as though I’m living from one Crohn’s complication to the next and I would love to rebuild myself without frequent and lengthy hospitalizations. I managed to patch myself together after losing soccer and missing a year of school and therefore transferring to a new school as a high school junior. I discovered the distance runner in me post-soccer and I never could have anticipated how much I loved XC and how much happier I was. My mom always said that we don’t always know what’s good and what’s bad and my love for XC is a great example of that. But then my body started attacking itself and running became harder and harder. But I know that while my experiences redefining myself as an athlete are great and so helpful for life outside of sports, life post-ostomy surgery will have huge adjustments and I am preparing to have to find myself all over again. Ostomy surgery will hopefully improve my life greatly but it’s ok to acknowledge that it will bring new challenges as well. On the flip side of all of this, I still am the same person I always have been. I have the same core values I’ve always had. I try to improve myself and learn from my mistakes and others who have different experiences but that’s not a change to who I am. I don’t want to deal with yet another identity crisis. I am reminding myself that this is a new page in the same book not a whole new book. This surgery is not curative. This surgery will not put me into remission. This isn’t a "life 2.0" operation. This surgery will hopefully help to reduce the number of bowel obstructions and impactions I have dealt with due to nerve damage in my colon from prolonged and untreated inflammation leading to colonic inertia. There is also some stricturing in my colon was well as my small intestine at this point. The other big issue I have with my colon is the colon wall is breaking down from inflammation which also makes the colonic mucosa more permeable and therefore bacteria can leak out and cause infection. One of these infections lead to very severe sepsis and septic shock resulting in an ICU stay and nobody was confident that I would survive. That experience was petrifying and not something I would wish on anyone. I am hopeful that surgery will help ease some of the anxiety around and risk of infection. 3/28/2024 Salt Lake City, UT |
TW FOOD When I saw my nephrologist (kidney doctor), he brought up my chronically low BUN. I always brushed it off not thinking much of it because I was always told it was due to inflammation or lab error. However, my nephrologist said that because mine has been very low for a long time, it was likely due to low protein intake/protein malabsorption. I have been on TPN for over a year but I am working on trying to get off it. Since eating by mouth can be a struggle, I always look for ways to maximize the nutritional quality of my food, and recently I have been focusing on protein. I find that I tolerate simple carbs (e.g. white rice, white bread (includes sourdough), white pasta, etc.) and softer foods best. I also do alright with eggs and broth. I have a 4" waffle maker and I love waffles. I started making sure there was plenty of egg in my waffles. It makes the waffle fluffier and gives me more protein. I also cook rice in chicken bone broth. Again, this gives rice protein and more flavor. There are different types of bone broth that are yummy, give variety, and are a great way to get more nutrients. My favorite bone broth is Kettle & Fire and they have a bunch of options! I have also recently discovered Silk dairy-free Greek yogurt. Greek yogurt has a lot more protein than regular yogurt. As I cannot tolerate dairy, finding a Greek yogurt from coconut milk was so exciting. Recently, I have been enjoying the blueberry flavor. I am and will always be a big fan of avocado toast, however, finding other ways to get healthy fats and protein in my diet has been so beneficial for me and gives me more variety with my food which is something that has been so difficult to find. |
t’s crazy how much chronic pain can take and how much of me I feel has been stolen by my illnesses. Concussions stole soccer and contact sports. They stole a year of a school, my ability to read a book, my ability to focus, and were the first things to take away pain-free days. How often do I have a headache? Every waking moment of every single day. This prepared me for the pain that the Crohn’s caused. It’s made it easier to put a smile on my face and pretend like I’m ok. I’ve done it for years, I’m a pro. With the concussions, I was saved by cross country and track. Running was my way to clear my head. But Crohn’s stole that. Nutrition deficiencies have led to many injuries (before I was diagnosed) and then the pain became so severe it is now hard to walk up a flight of stairs. My body, once so capable, is letting me down. It’s hard to believe that in 2018, I was running a 5:02 mile. But my body is still mine and I’m just as determined as ever to feel like myself again. But right now, it’s hard to recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. |